Today is transgender day of remembrance, a day to remember those who where raped, killed or left to die because they where transgender.

Have a look at that list and tell me again that we can talk about one issue, when these people where killed because they sat at margins of the margins, these people who where violently beaten down because they dared to be often poor, often of colour and transgender, some of them where sex workers, some of them where assumed to be sex workers simply because they where trans. Some who dared to go out as their true selves while not passing, and others that dared to live their life, and where killed because cissexists felt it was in their right to assume everyone else was cis.

Their is nothing I can say to honour their lives, no words can right the violence done to then, but I will not forget them, and hope for a year when no names are added to that list.

Last couple of days have been very interesting in one regard, I can't go into details because of the people involved but I realised that I had fucked up badly and what I previously thought was someone attacking me and cutting me off for what seemed like no reason was really me fucking up and jumping all over triggers. If I have also done this to you at any point I am sorry, I am taking some time to process and to work out how to not do this in the future.

I'm not sleeping, except when I am and then I am sleeping though classes and work.


I am being weirdly self sabotaging, putting of work till the last minute beyond my usual laziness, I need to work out why and stop it really fucking soon or I am going to be in big trouble.
( my dreams suck. )

Their are good things in my life, I have recently started a relationship with one of the most amazing people I know. I have a shrink who I like, who seems to know what he is doing and who seems to think that T would be a good thing for me, and is working on me to get me into the best mental health space possible before I start fucking with my hormones.

That is an understatement, I am forced! Forced I tell you to blog about it because someone took a complex issue, the relationship between consent and power imbalance and decided to make it into a collection of fucking bulishit about men and women's "natures" all cis, all binary gendered, of course.

So sleeping with the boss/sleeping with the underlings, it happens, I am not even going to say it is always inethical, my thoughts on this somewhat mirror my thoughts on close to of age relationships with older people when they are "consensual" that is, that they are not always harmful but they are more likely to be harmful because of the power imbalances within them.

I have read that most people relationship start in the work place, and hey not all of those are going to be same level. I have had several bosses who I would drink with, bitch about my social life with and generally have person non work based conversations with, I have never sleep with a boss, and while I would be wary of it, I am not saying I never will.

I think, to make a relationship like this ethical then the person with more power needs to be aware of the risks and limit their power over their partner, this might mean finding their partner another line manager, or having both members of the relationship report to the person above the boss.



No, no no no no no no. Let me rewrite that for you. Some people are attracted to other people, particularly other people who they spend a lot of time with *like their boss*

I've had a crush on one of my bosses. Genius, scrawny nerd boy very pretty in a slightly scruffy way. Not father like, fuck I dough he was that much older than me, anyway, he was really hot, like damn it I should be concentrating on this meeting not your tight shirt, oh did I mention he was a gymnast and a rock climber, who wore tight shirts... yeah....

Some women are attracted to father figures, some men are attracted to father figures some people who are neither are attracted to people with really hairy backs. It happens, womens lib will not be held back by decent sexual harassment and abuse of power laws.

The I am autism video made me cry last week.


It contains the line. Which sounds a lot like.
So they didn't kill Ebony, only the worthless shell after the real girl had been stolen by an ilness so horrifing.

Actually _I_ am part of the disability community and you don't fucking speak for me. I want suicide rights for everyone people, including the mentally ill. Because we have bodily autonomy too.

  crocheted packer, you guys! Best thing ever! (NSFW)

Except that I am posting this from work.

Child rapist - run out of public housing after the government changed the law to let them do it. He was jailed for 14 years for the 20 year old assult

Child rapist - outcry when he was taken into custody, after he plead guilty and leaving the country against the court rules.

Moral: Be a great artist.

Edited to add: Err, I should give some more background, this conversation happened at the end of me explaining what I do to manage panic attacks which for those who are interested it is a mixture of breathing exercises/meditation with anti angsity meds as a back up. Also I took out the bit about migranes as I don't think it helped.

One day, if I get really bored I might do just that. But for now, stupid doctor of the week/month/whatever

"The thing about panic attacks is just to realise that nothing bad is going to happen and to sit though it"

my actual response was "yes doctor now could I please have the letter I need"


What I wanted to say was that only someone with no empathy and no experience of panic attacks could say that, because plenty of bad things are going to happen, my heart rate will go up, my stomach will twist into nots and I feel like shit. It also occurs to me that this kind of thing isn't generally told to those who suffer migraines although at least from my limited understanding migraines don't cause problem aside from their symptoms.  - added back in because as ciaraxyerra  suggested it important to keep the context, even though I do regret saying it.

1. The illnesses I live with are:
Depression
Panic disorder
Dyslexia
ADHD
Dyspraxia


2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
Depression: 1997ish
Panic disorder 2009
Dyslexia 1997 ish
ADHD 1997ish
3. But I had symptoms since:
Depression : 1990 ish
Panic disorder 2004ish
Dyslexia 1989
ADHD Birth
( Read more... )

In that case Witchy-woo…

I am declaring you not-women, because my definition of women has just be changed to include not an arsehole.

Please stop stop speaking about feminism you non-women.

Assuming that I am infact a XX person, which is probably the case, but as far as I know no one bothered to test before declaring me female.

Black face + she looks like a drag queen



He he, black intersex women doesn't do femininity right.

Fucking funny isn't it.

not feeling a whole lot of love for humanity right now.

Update: In their women who look like men fail, chaz bono, you know cher's son

I was doing stretches this afternoon when my office mate came in, she asked me what I was doing, I said that yoga breaks help me recharge when I start staring at problems without getting anything done. She expressed regreat that she doesn't do any formal exercise any more. I nodded and encouraged her to, mentioning that a class a week was doing good things for my mind and body (and has decreased the amount of back pain I live with, and thus cut down my use of painkillers.

But I said all this because I didn't say what I thought of first, that is "but you look perfect" because she couldn't possibly want to decrease backpain or increase flexibility, she must want to be thinner, and because I think she looks hot, clearly she is thin enough, whatever that means.

I hate my brain, I wish I hadn't absorbed this shit.

This week I have been hacking, I have the assignment coming up which frankly is really bloody hard and it turns out the has eaten my ability to do _anything_ else, so I appoligize for whatever I did/didn't do, forgot and so on, I will try to remember to wear pants outside.

You know, the one with the before and after stomachs on it, the one that seems to be even more popular than the ebony generic-hot-woman-who-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-game ads. This is not a rant about people who have bodies different from mine, trust me on that one, I really don't mind, hell if they don't mind I would love to watch.

It's seeing the kind of body that I have, when I have to fucking fight to be ok with, portrayed with such disgust that I want to scream, get your fucking poison off my screen, I don't ever want to see it again.

Their is only so many times I can see myself as disgusting.

Before you comment, I'm at work, which is why I don't have ad-block.

Behind all the whining and ranting and self pity, I am pretty smart, and I am good with some stuff which not many people are, like interesting tricky data analysis problems that need lots of stat, mathematical models and lots of computer power. I live this stuff, I actually dream it.

I am also insane, well managed for the time being but that is only as good as the next pill, and the one after that, and sometimes they stop working for no reason at all and right now I am too scared to move to the US, am scared of being lost and poor and unable to navigate a medical system.

It is possible to have a working health care system, I am quite fond of Australia's one.

You can do it.