I went to bed last night at 9pm not because I was tired, although I was but because I couldn't be bothered sitting down and watching T.V
For those without a history of mood disorders I want you to think about that, I couldn't be bothered to watch T.V. This is one of those things that gets missed when depression gets confused with sadness, I don't think I have known anyone so sad that they couldn't be bothered to watch there favourite show, not up to it? Quite possibly, but not bothered, for me that is the realm of crazy. I didn't pick it up at time, it is was just another sign of what a failure I was, no motivation to watch T.V, there is a clinical name for this, a disease that stops you form recognizing you are sick, it happens with eating disorders, where people see themselves as fat and dieting, not staving, with dementia where people may not remember what is happening, and mood disorders where the change in mood means you can't see that you are _sick_.
Catch 22, there are ways around this, to a point, self-awareness, mindfulness and picking up on it when it is minor so that it doesn't get bad enough that I miss that I am crazy, but a lot of it comes down to luck, and this week I was busy, I was concentrating on other things and I got blind sited.
Also posted on Dreamwidth http://cheshire.dreamwidth.org/212781.ht
Hell yes. Sprites better watch out.
There is something I want to say, partly spurned by the last post I made, and partly by larger throughs and currents.
Lets start with a story.
Many years ago a younger chesh sat with a then recently ex boyfriend, we had broken up for a whole lot of reasons, some where my fault, some weren’t, most where the problems of teenagers being well, teenagers. A major one was that the sex we had wasn’t good for me, it bored me. I was a female assigned submissive having vanilla sex because that was what my boyfriend wanted. The irony burns.
He told me, we very seriously that while my submissiveness was ok, I shouldn’t date dominants because they where evil sadists. I didn’t say “I hope so” although I thought it.
In both the mainstream and rad fem conversation about bdsm, sub types might be sick or sad, or broken but D types are dangerous, not to be trusted. You wouldn’t want to communicate and risk someone thinking you liked pain, with all these whips and chains around.
My Ex, in many ways a kind and good man dreamed the best world for me was a world of celibacy, where my desires have no match, as the best I could hope for. Or maybe re-education, maybe I could be saved from my ways.
I am so very very glad he was wrong. That I believe that there is a better option than trading sex I don’t want for intimacy.Also posted on Dreamwidth http://cheshire.dreamwidth.org/211074.ht
( Do you want to know the truth! Collapse )
Anyway, I am going back to being brainwashed my my fellow cultists.
I want a copy of this for the next time someone tells me that bdsm'ers are never told that we are weak, insane, controlled or unaware of what we are really doing.
Also posted on Dreamwidth http://cheshire.dreamwidth.org/210864.ht
Dot points because I have no time right now, but some thoughts are better out than in.
I want to write, like I want to write about everything I am feeling right now, I am feeling all on the edge of stuff.
I am not going to get a Ph.D. Scholarship, I have run the numbers and it is not happening this sucks, but might be a good excuse to spend the next 3-5 years healing, and caring for myself and working and all kinds of things without the crushing stress that studying is for me.
A hard atheist friend gave me an ebook reader for Christmas, because of where my head is now I have grabbed a bunch of pagan/mystic/religious history books for it. This amuses me.
I continue on my path of feeling less and less comfortable with describing myself as an atheist I have spend a while feeling like I there was “something more” I needed to find, before rereading a favourite piece of mine made me remind that she had been sitting and watching me, that she had already caught my eye and it just took me a couple of years to realise.
Seriously, if you true to lock culture down, idiots will also try to lock culture down., you may not like the results.
Something I said to a friend, which was “See I do the right thing, I just need a five month run up”